Bereavement (grief)

What is grief?

Grief is the natural reaction to a loss. This can involve the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, yourself or a loved one being diagnosed with a terminal illness and much more. No two people experience grief the same way, some may grieve for weeks, for others it may be years. In general, the greater the loss the more intense the experience of grief may be. Grief can effect a range of different aspects of your life, from your emotional and physical health, to your self-identity, and your relationship with others. It is important to know that whatever the loss may be, it is perfectly natural to grieve.

The grieving process

There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, it is truly an individual process. The process can take time, and cannot be forced or rushed. It is important to allow yourself the time to grieve, and to look after yourself through the process. Ignoring your emotions, or forcing yourself to ‘stay strong’ can often only delay and even worsen the grieving process, so it is important to let yourself grieve in your own way, and to face your feelings of grief.

Stages of grief

Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced what is now commonly known as the five stages of grief in 1969. She described grief as a cycle, based upon her own experiences working with the terminally ill.

Denial This stage can involve emotions such as shock, fear, confusion and avoidance. This is the body's natural response to loss and can actually help prevent you from become completely overwhelmed. This stage can include thoughts such as “this can’t be happening” and “there must have been a mistake”.
Anger The anger stage can involve feelings of frustration, irritation and anxiety. It is common in this stage to look for others to blame, and to have thoughts such as “life’s not fair” and “why me?”
Bargaining This stage can include feeling like you are struggling to find meaning, or feelings of false hope. Bargaining can involve the attempt to make trades, such as praying with statements such as “if you do this, I will do this in return”, for example “if you heal my Dad I will never complain again”. It is in this stage that people often begin to think “what if”.
Depression This is probably the most commonly thought of stage when thinking about grief. This stage involves feelings of sadness and helplessness and it is common to feel overwhelmed by emotions. In this stage the grief can often feel too much, and many people withdraw from others. Thoughts in this stage include “I am just too sad to do anything”
Acceptance The final stage of grief is when for many people the overwhelming emotions begin to settle, as you come to terms with what has happened. You may still have bad days, where the emotions feel too much again but overall, you begin to move on and understand that you cannot change the past, and begin to think “I am going to be okay”.

What are the symptoms of grief?

Symptoms of grief can be both emotional and physical, and can differ from person to person. No two people experience grief in the same way. Some common symptoms can include:

Sadness
Guilt
Anger
Fear
Insomnia
Fatigue
Nausea
Poor appetite
Irritability
Numbness
Aches and pain

Taking care of yourself when grieving:

When you are going through a loss it is important to allow yourself the time to grieve. This can include taking things one step at a time, and talking openly with someone you trust about how you are feeling. Some people prefer to grieve alone while others prefer to grieve among friends and family, but both are important to helping you cope. Scheduling time to be with friends and family is important for feeling support, and collectively grieving, but it can also be helpful to take time to be alone, and acknowledge your own feelings and experiences.

Try to make time to keep up with your hobbies and interests. This can really help to allow yourself a break from your grief, and help things feel more normal. Even if you may not feel like it, try to take time to do the things that you enjoy.

Prepare yourself for any possible ‘triggers’ that may bring up difficult memories and emotions. It is not always possible to avoid such triggers entirely, so try to allow yourself the time to deal with these difficult experiences, and talk with those close to you about any ways they can help and support you when these triggers do arise.

Grieving can be an exhausting process, so it is important to ensure you are also taking care of your physical health. The mind and body are deeply connected, so making sure you are looking after your body can actually help you better cope with your emotions. Seeking support:

Grief can often make you feel like withdrawing from those around you, but support from other can be incredibly beneficial to allow you to cope with the loss.

Allow yourself to lean on friends and family for support. Although it may be difficult, try not to avoid those close to you, and make time to see them face to face. It can help to be clear about what support you need, whether its help with organising funeral or medical arrangements, helping out with cooking and cleaning, or just someone to talk to.

If you are a spiritual or religious person, embrace the mourning processes within your faith. These processes can bring comfort during times of grief. It is common to question your faith following a loss, so if you do feel this way try to reach out to a clergy member, or other members of your faith community and speak openly about how you are feeling.

Consider joining a support group of other individuals experiencing a similar loss. It can help to share your grief with those who can understand and relate, and can help you feel more connected during a process that can otherwise feel quite isolating. If your grief is feeling overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist or grief counsellor who can help you work through the more intense emotions you may be experiencing.

When to seek professional help for grief

If you are experiencing symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression it is important to reach out to a mental health professional right away, as if untreated these can both result in significant emotional and physical damage.

Complicated Grief

Complicated grief can occur when the feelings of pain and loss are constant, and remain at the forefront of your life. It can feel like being stuck in an intense state of mourning with no way out. Symptoms can include:

Feelings of emptiness
Extreme feelings of anger
Problems accepting the loss
Intense and persistent longing and yearning fsor what was lost
Having trouble carrying out your normal routine
Imagining your loved one is still alive

Clinical Depression

There are a lot of similarities between grief and depression, as both can involves experiences of sadness and insomnia. The difference is that when experiencing grief, these feelings often come and go, especially in reaction to different situations and events. The grieving process comes with many ups and downs, and there are good days among the bad days. Depression is typically more persistent than grief, with feelings of emptiness and despair almost constant. Other symptoms of depression can include:

Constant and intense sadness and/or guilt
Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness
Inability to find joy or pleasure in things
Inability to function properly at work, home and/or school

If you believe you are experiencing the symptoms of either complicated grief or clinical depression it is important to seek professional help right away. It is also incredibly important to reach out to a mental health professional if you are feeling any of the following: